Parting is such sweet sorrow…

Saying goodbye sucks. I’ve become a professional. It’s been a year now that at the end of every weekend I say goodbye, yet again, to my husband and board the train west. I’m getting weary of it. Our vacation cannot come soon enough. I miss my husband and I’m feeling worn out and overly stressed. P. keeps telling me “just hold in there, one more week,” but I can see in his eyes he’s concerned I’m about to fall apart. And I am. I really don’t know how to handle everything. I want to be successful at everything – marriage, work, health, family, friendships, life…but I end up feeling like a failure everywhere instead. My biggest problem: I have a horrendously difficult time saying “No.” My second biggest problem: I suffer from guilt syndrome. This is why I converted to Catholicism. I fit right in. We’re the biggest guilt sufferers of all – and I do it so well. Only problem is, I’ve been out of the church so long (all of my 4 years here) that my faith is faltering – but somehow the guilt still remains.

How do you choose? P. says to figure out what’s most important and focus on that. But, what about when it’s all equally important to you? How do you rate your work against your family? Your health against your closest friends? There’s already so many friends I am missing and haven’t reached out to in so long and now I have to cut it back even more? How do you do that – and not feel guilty, when you’re already feeling guilty about the long list of e-mails that need writing?

I find myself spread too thin. Not enough time for my husband, not enough time for myself. I’m prone to bursts of raging stress and tears. Life should be more easy, more enjoyable, but it’s not. I really feel myself losing grip.